tarot
by swanfrost
Summary: the fool; the moon; the hierophant; the empress; the emperor; death; the hanged man [drabble set]
1. the fool

**Day 1: Fool**

_first encounters; beginnings; innocence; foolishness; risk_

The first time Hinami met Kaneki (in the shop that was safe and familiar but wasn't home), she was under the impression that he was quite rude and not gentlemanly at all. The second time Hinami met Kaneki, it was over a cup of steaming coffee and lots and lots of words. When she left Anteiku that evening, snuggled under the umbrella with her mother, with a spring in her step and a string of beautiful words bouncing around in her little innocent mind, she thought that absolutely nothing could ever go wrong.

That evening, Death approached her for the first time. Swooping in from the darkness all around, he'd gathered her mother - her precious, precious mother - in his arms. As Hinami, huddled in the shadows just around the corner, watched her mother leave in a brilliant explosion of crimson blood and burned flesh, tears slipping silently down the child's still chubby cheeks, she thought her world was over. Finished. Gone. At the scene of death, standing in front of the crazy old man (who'd just slaughtered her mother like livestock, Hinami thought numbly), was the reaper. He straightened, still cradling her mother's broken soul in his arms. Slowly, he turned and seemed to stare right into the little ghoul's eyes.

_I'll see you again_, he seemed to whisper.

And then, he was gone, gone with the passing of the wind, gone with her mother in tow, gone, just like the happiness that had been bubbling inside her just hours before.

Thus began a new life.

A life of days that seemed to drag on endlessly, of nights too quiet and too lonely; a world of tear stained pillows and fitful sleeps. She stayed motionless in bed, mourning underneath thin bed sheets, grasping for something (someone) just out of her reach.

But, she realized one day, as she slipped out of the bed for the first time in many weeks, falling into Kaneki onii-chan's small but sturdy arms, feeling Touka nee-chan's calloused yet slender hands rub comforting circles onto her back, Hinami realizes that she couldn't be happier.

Kaneki-nii had hugged her tightly, tears welling up in his single visible eye and soaking through his eyepatch. Touka had scoffed slightly at the boy's tears, but Hinami would swear she'd seen Touka-nee's beautiful dark eyes water slightly. Stroking Hinami's bedhead with shaking hands, that older girl had muttered quietly, _Please don't ever scare us like that again._

(By the door, the old manager's breathing evened. A small, relieved smile flickered across his face before he silently strode off.)

And, as the child clung onto the two with a trembling frame, Hinami realizes it was the first time she'd felt so deeply loved by someone other then her mother.

That night, after a calming cup of coffee and multiple forehead kisses from the Anteiku staff, she fell into the first real sleep she'd had in a long, long time. Just before slipping away, she thought to herself, maybe this new beginning wouldn't be so bad after all.

* * *

What a fool she was.

(Big brother Kaneki, spirited away by Aogiri, stumbling out with his body marred and his soul crumbling.)

(Big sister Touka, with her heart broken and her shelter destroyed. Touka, with her fiery mouth and beautiful wing.)

(Manager, captured and sentenced to death by the hands of his own kin. Manager, always calm and understanding, erased from this world.)

(Mr. Tsukiyama, lying on a cold, dead ground, tear-streaked face dried by the sun. Tsukiyama, with his funny way of speaking and odd smiles. Tsukiyama, now joyless and empty.)

(Kaneki Ken. Oh, kind, loving, stubborn, foolish Kaneki Ken, dying in a crazed state of mind, killed by the lance of a man who was just doing his job).

* * *

Oh yes, it was the beginning alright. The beginning of the end.

FIN

a/n: The beginning of a seven-part drabble set for (the already finished) tokyo ghoul week on tumblr. Tell me what you think!


	2. the moon

**Day 2: Moon**

_a scene that made you sad; illusion; fear_

* * *

_Yo Kaneki! What's with the getup? Is that in style these days?_

He almost didn't hear it, almost missed the cheerful, carefree tone, almost missed the soft yet worried smile of his best friend. Knee-deep in filthy sewer water, body trembling from insanity or the cold, he didn't really know, black mask hinged onto his face like a second skin. Inside, hunger crawled underneath his skin like a prickly millipede, and pain howled like a pack of livid wolves; his head throbbed and spun, and his vision was blurred and painted with a tint of red. Blood red. Kaneki almost didn't hear the voice of the person he'd been missing the most over these past six months.

_Hi…de…?_

But it's not possible, Kaneki's ghoul infested mind thinks, it's not possible, it can't be Hide, it can't it can't it can't-

_All this time…_

No, Kaneki thinks, breath coming out from under his long, hooked mask in short, painful gasps. It's not him. It can't be.

_You've had to suffer like this…_

Stop, he screams internally, forcing back a sob, and the mad wolves inside him start howling even louder, long, painful songs spiraling up to the blood moon above. Fur bristled, fangs bared, they trample all over his mind, leaving long, jagged claw marks on his soul.

Hide's voice carries to him, soft and caring, sad and wistful.

_You won't need it anymore, the mask. _

But, he pleads, to himself, to the pain that swirls inside, but it sounds so much like him. It sounds so much like Hide, feels so much like the kindness, compassion, love, companionship, that Hide was and stood for. He falls to his knees, arms elbow deep in the frigid water that laps at his skin. Strangely, he feels so cold, so desolate, that the water doesn't really bother him anymore. The wet has seeped through his clothes, through his skin, right down to his bones, and every movement is agonizing.

Kaneki doesn't really care. Inside, there is nothing but confusion, confusion and fear and maybe a tiny bit of hope that Hide is actually standing in front of him right now and everything will be ok. (Because Hide makes everything alright. He always has, Kaneki thinks in a strange flash of nostalgia, and he always will.)

And Kaneki is so, so, so tired of the pain, tired of the wolves that claw through his mind, body, soul, tired of the ghoul (Rize, he thinks) that is slowly eating him inside out.

_It's not Hide…it's an __**illusion, **__a dream… But,,, but if it is,,. then,,, he'll know…_

He chokes out his thoughts, lets his worries and sorrows spill. I don't want to loose my best friend, Kaneki whispers to himself. Don't want to loose him like I've lost so many others, don't want to hurt him. I don't want Hide to (die).

Hide's next words pierce through the murky sludge of pain and blood that is Kaneki's current consciousness like a gleaming blade, slicing through monsters (ghouls) and nightmares. And before Kaneki knows it, Hide's crouched down in the frigid, grimy water right in front of him, that big, carefree grin lighting up the entire world. (This wrong, wrong, world). As Kaneki can only stare in shock, Hide reaches up and places a gentle but firm hand on his shoulder. His deep brown eyes meet Kaneki's single black and red one, determination, and sadness, burning brightly.

A flicker of warmth sparks from Hide's touch, slowly melting down his frozen skin. The fuzzy feeling spreads, down his arm and across his shoulder, spiraling across his torso and curling inside his stomach, shooting throughout his entire body. A single tear drips down his cheek.

_I already knew, man! Who cares about that… let's just go home already. _

It's warm, Kaneki thinks in a sudden moment of clarity, I'm home.

Just then, the wolves start howling again, ramming against the bars of his mind. In shock, from both the sudden pain and Hide's (soft, warm, gentle) touch, he recoils, falling backwards, hands clutching the side of his head, fingers threaded through blood-stained white hair. The ghoul inside him starts cackling again, whispering about the fresh, sweet taste of human flesh, and the wolves growl with menace and pace angrily.

_Run away_, Kaneki begs, desperate. He doesn't lift his head; he doesn't want to Hide to see him in this state of body and mind. But Hide, Hide who always seems to know what he's thinks, doesn't move an inch. The boy is smiling a sad smile, as if he knows the end is near.

Go away, Kaneki screams, but an inner voice whispers, (_don't leave me alone.)_

And Hide, in his irritatingly close way, seems to smile and promise, (I won't.)

_Sorry…can you fight with all you've got…just one more time?_

And the world fell to darkness.

FIN

a/n: this seemed longer when posted on tumblr...thoughts, anyone?


	3. the hierophant

**Day 3: Hierophant : ****KNOWLEDGE, DECEPTION, DUALITY**

_deception (or not)_

* * *

When Tsukiyama stepped up, moonlight casting pale beams onto his sly, crooked smile, falling to his knees and pledging his allegiance to Kaneki, the boy immediately switched on his guard. After all, only a few weeks earlier, the very man that bowed before the young ghoul now had been doing his damnest to eat him.

But, the boy thought, as he looked into Tsukiyama's determined eyes, maybe this wouldn't be a complete disaster after all. Even though the smile that seemed to slink across the older man's lips never reached his eyes, Kaneki, with his newly heightened senses and his colder gaze, could see the sincerity in Tsukiyama's words.

So he agreed, and Tsukiyama was thus branded as Kaneki Ken's sword.

In the beginning, Kaneki was forever wary of the lanky man that sauntered so calmly behind him. On many occasions, when Tsukiyama approached Hinami for whatever reason, Kaneki would shoot a dark glare at the back of the taller man's head.

But, every time, that irritating smile would widen with amusement, and he'd slowly back away, hands raised in mock surrender.

Slowly, as the weeks passed and time continued on, Kaneki realized that Tsukiyama had managed, despite his precautions, to wriggle his way into their tight knit group. He'd take Hinami out on walks and tuck flowers underneath her hair, all while telling odd but somehow funny jokes (as the younger girl had so tactfully said). To Banjou, he'd treat him out to coffee, conversing politely. Sometimes they came back with flowers folded into Banjou's hair too.

As the months slipped by, swift and silent, like water running through fingertips, it seemed as if everyone had dropped their guard around the enigmatic man, smiling and laughing with him like he was long lost kin. And soon, Kaneki found himself smiling too, eyes shining brighter and heart feeling lighter than they had been in a long time. Sometimes, he'd find himself relaxing in Tsukiyama's presence, returning the man's tilted smiles with sincere smiles of his own.

Most of the ghouls had accepted Tsukiyama, who often flitted from person to person with a beaming face and spouting French phrases in his odd way of socializing. Even Kaneki's previous caution had dissipated, leaving a vague sense of trust and respect.

But sometimes, when all was quiet and Kaneki had the rare chance to observe Tsukiyama in a calm, relaxed state, sometimes, he thought he'd seen a glimmer of insatiable hunger darken those deep purple eyes, catch sight of a pink tongue flick in and out, as if the man was savoring a delectable meal.

Kaneki never let his attention truly waver.

It took only a single incident to change his mind.

One night, when dark storm clouds covered the sliver of silver moon and the stars didn't exist at all, Kaneki Ken found himself lying underneath the shadows in a dark alleyway of the 2nd ward. As he lay there, winded and bruised and bleeding from some deep cut somewhere, vision blinking black and white, his mind blanked. Oh no, it wasn't the pain; he'd been through worse (Jason, his mind whispered helpfully, one thousand minus seven).

As he lay there, barely registering the snicker ghouls that had ambushed him (he'd been careless, he thought crossly), looking up into the dark sky, a sudden pang of loneliness shot through his chest.

Maybe, he thought, grimacing as he felt a sharp kick in the ribs, maybe I'm going to die out here alone, from the hands of some low class street ghouls who have nothing better to do.

Maybe—

A spray of blood shot out over him, the red, sticky liquid splashing over his face and chest. Faintly, he heard a scream, a who the hell are you, and then, a very familiar voice.

"Bonsoir, gentlemen," a calm voice cut through Kaneki's murky thoughts.

Good evening?

More screams and pained cries quickly followed, and Kaneki would've laughed out loud if he wasn't bleeding his guts out.

Above him, a gleaming kagune swirled, like a deadly ribbon, like a blade of steel. A purple striped suit and grey leather shoes appeared in his vision, and suddenly, all was silent. Around him lie corpses of ghouls, and in his semi-conscious state, he could feel Tsukiyama's eyes burning holes through his body.

Is he going to eat me? Kaneki's mind wondered, and an inner voice whispered, (you were a fool for trusting him; a fool for believing in his words).

But Tsukiyama took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and called back his twisting kagune. In the next instant, all Kaneki felt was arms wrapping around his body before darkness took over.

He woke up to a worried-looking Hinami hovering over him and a stressed Banjou pacing all over his room. As his eyes fluttered open and his body adjusted, he realized that he was bandaged and home, away from the 2nd ward.

"Tsukiyama-san brought you home," Hinami supplied, taking note of Kaneki's confused look.

Oh.

The door slowly swung open and in strode Tsukiyama Shuu, beaming at Hinami and nodding politely to Banjou, who scoffed back, before turning full attention onto the white-haired boy sitting on the bed.

"Well, speak of the devil and he shall appear," Kaneki said, smiling. This smile reflected in his eyes, and Hinami's breath caught; for he hadn't smiled like that in a long time.

At being called a devil, Tsukiyama's slender eyebrow raised slightly, and he opened his mouth to protest, but Kaneki beat him.

"Thank you."

Distrust traded for respect, wariness traded for acceptance. It wasn't perfect, but then again, what else in this world was?

FIN

a/n: I will say that this one is my least favorite one, and I went with a cliche just for the sake of getting it out on time. So, apologies for the low quality. Still, I'd love to hear your thoughts!


	4. the empress

**Day 4: Empress**

_favorite female character; beauty; nature _

Outside, the night, heavy and dangerous, wraps around the world. A full moon glows faintly behind a covering of dark clouds, straining to shine through its obstructions.

Just like me, Touka thinks to herself.

_(So pretty) the human girl whispers, eyes glowing in admiration._

She wraps her arms around herself, looking at her reflection in the mirror with downcast eyes, the reflection that stands in the mirror, staring back, stone cold and unflinching.

Touka doesn't really think she's beautiful, pretty even. Her eyes are too dark, too cold, her posture too demanding, too foreboding. Words tumble out of her mouth too easily, usually forceful, angry, fiery words that are products of churning emotions she can't seem to control.

Too brash, too rough, too weak, too strong; too much of this and not enough of that. She closes her eyes for a brief moment; tired.

_But, _she reminds herself upon opening them again, fixing her gaze on the figure in the mirror that stares right back at her, _but beauty isn't perfection._

_However, beauty couldn't be this either,_ she says out loud, into the pressing silence, laughing with a sad, twisted smile. Her eyes shift to black, her pupils spin red. From her shoulders, a glowing mass of throbbing red and purple and black spins threads of muscles and cells, faster and faster, until they form a single red wing that sprouts from her shoulder blade and curves like an eagle's. As she stands in the darkness of her apartment, they only source of light is the soft glow of her kagune, which casts pale red shadows over the floor.

Now, she stands with her hands clenched into fists that hang by her side, head raised, back straight, black and red ghoul eyes glaring defiantly. As she watches, in a pretend confidence, her kagune wing rises and dips; her reflection does the same.

"Is this…beauty?" Touka ventures, cracking the stifling silence of her room for a brief moment. After she speaks, the silence comes rushing in again, as if straining against invisible bonds. She traces the edge of her wing with a gentle finger, turning her head to look at the hunting organ that shoots from her back like another limb. A dangerous, fast, destructive limb, but certainly not beautiful.

Outside, the moon finally breaks through the thick clouds, and her room is washed in pale white light. Throwing shadows over her face, enveloping her wing-kagune in an almost godly light, it splashes over her. Her breath catches as her gaze swings back to the mirror; what she sees astounds her.

Black and red eyes, tinted with a soft shade of moonlight. Her hands, once calloused and cracking, are now smooth and sturdy, unafraid, almost. And, as her gaze travels to the ghoulish (hah, what irony) kagune that is stretched to full length, proud and looming, throbbing slightly, in time with her heartbeat; to her, it looks like a mark of pride and strength.

I look like a queen, she thinks in awe, standing up even straighter. Suddenly, she is aware of all the sounds and smells that she, as a ghoul, picks up, and for a moment, Touka merely stands and soaks in the world around her. Her eyes, sharp and cunning, flash dangerously as she takes a step back, confidence, a _real_ confidence, filling her soul.

Once, twice, her kagune trembles dangerously, and as she looks into her reflection, Touka catches a glimpse of what others see of her.

Strength. (There stands Kaneki Ken, panting heavily, recovering from a roundhouse kick he'd just received. Then, he straightens, and looks her right in the eye. _Again_, he demands.)

Compassion. (She can feel Hinami's soft hand in hers, Hinami who has not yet spilled blood, Hinami who smiles easily in her presence.)

A worthy opponent. (Tsukiyama sneers at her weakness, but even she can smell the fear and excitement rolling off his kagune. Tsukiyama, who is so difficult to please.)

Sister. (An image of Ayato flashes in her mind, and her breath catches. Memories of him, of the little boy who trailed everywhere after his big sister, are engraved into her mind. She smiles softly.)

Beauty. (She is a queen, Touka decides, an empress. And she will rule.)

Outside, the moon continues to shine. The black clouds that once lingered are nowhere to be found.

**FIN**

a/n: a bit short, but as always, please tell me your thoughts!

Next: **Emperor/King **


	5. the emperor

**Day 5: Emperor/King**

_favorite male character(s); authority; foundation; emperor; king; brother_

* * *

"Come on, Kaneki!"

The little five year old boy raised his head, hands clutching tightly at a slim book. Before he could blink, his vision became filled with gold.

"Hide-kun?"

An outstretched hand appeared before him, and suddenly, Nagachika Hideyoshi was crouched in front of him, cheeks dusty from the windblown dirt, grinning from ear to ear. Messy yellow hair stuck out light hay at odd angles, but the child didn't seem to care, his jeans were faded and his little grey sweatshirt stained. But again, the boy didn't seem to care.

In that moment, Kaneki Ken thought his best friend looked like a king.

With a smile that almost matched Hide's, Kaneki shyly tucked his book away, and reached out. Impatient, the blond haired boy shot out his hand and clamped down on Kaneki's wrist.

"Hurry up!" he said, laughter shining in his eyes. "You're so slow!"

The words came out in an excited tumble, in a joy so evident in children. Soon, they broke into a run, Hide leading with a wild, confident grin while Kaneki followed with a shaky, somewhat nervous but happy smile.

Those where the days of happiness, days where nothing could ever go wrong, days where the shadows were monster-free and the nights- instead of nightmares, were filled with stars.

-/-

With a whooping laugh, eight year old Hideyoshi takes off in a cloud of dust, sprinting with all his might up the big, curved, playground slide. Thundering up the slide, the boy lets out a cheer as he reaches the top, clambering up and striking a heroic pose.

"Kaneki! Kaneki! Did you see that? Did you see my awesomeness?" Hide yells excitedly, beaming.

Sitting on a nearby bench, Kaneki claps respectfully, seemingly disinterested, but Hide has known the boy long enough to see the joy and happiness in his eyes. _Good job, _they say. Hide stands proudly, basking in the praise of his best friend. As he stands there, had raised, chest puffed out, satisfied grin stretching out from ear to ear, sunlight bounding off his small frame, Kaneki, looking up in admiration, realizes something important.

Hide, the boy who, honestly, looked quite silly strutting like a man who'd just conquered the world, may as well be the best person he'd ever met. And, Kaneki decides right then and there, with beautiful five year old logic, that he'd follow Hide for the rest of his life, wherever he might go, whatever he might do.

The black haired boy sits quietly in the corner of the classroom, nose buried deep into a book. At the quaint age of ten, he is quiet and withdrawn, but always kind and polite. His teacher nod in appreciation at his grades and his integrity, but wince a little at his social skills. Except for his teachers, nobody really takes notice of this quiet boy in the corner, save for one.

"KANEKI!"

All of a sudden, the classroom door is flung open, and to the students in the room, it seems as if a great ball of fire and sunshine has burst into the room. The boy sitting silently in the back of the room flinches slightly, lowing his book with a soft, almost embarrassed smile. In a flash, one Nagachika Hideyoshi is in front of him, brown eyes dancing with amusement. With a wicked grin, the energetic boy slams his hands down on Kaneki's desk. Yelping in surprise, Kaneki jumps, a faint blush dusting his cheeks.

"Hide-" he manages to squeak out.

But Hide doesn't let him finish, and without another word, takes him by the arm and drags him off, spouting something about _quit being a loner_ and _get some sun_. As the duo leaves the room, and the classroom door slams shut, the other students can only look around in a mild confusion and surprise.

In the hallway, Kaneki tugs on his friend's arm, wincing slightly at the tight grip on his own wrists. But before he can speak, he is pulled out a door way, into sunshine and warmth. Temporarily blinded from the glare of the sun, Kaneki squeezes his eyes shut reflexively.

"Come on, Kaneki!" Hide's voice reaches his hears. "Open your eyes!"

Slowly, shyly, the boy opens his eyes. In front of him, outlined in a halo of glowing sunlight stands Hide, uniform rustling in the small wind, a big, friendly grin stretching across his face. Nestled in his hands is Kaneki's lunchbox, which he had swiped before leaving the classroom.

"W-what?" the black haired boy asked, confused.

In response, Hide grinned even wider. "Your lunch, dummy," he teased, throwing a friendly arm around Kaneki's shoulders. "You gotta stop staying inside so much! Go out side! Breathe fresh air!"

As the two boys made their way to a pair of benches on the roof, Hide added an afterthought.

"You might grow wrinkled and crooked, just like Ms. Teri."

Ms. Teri was an old lady who lived on the end of Kaneki's street. Whenever the children saw her, hunched over and hobbling down the road with a walking cane gripped tightly in a bony hand, they'd shy away, quickly gathering up their playthings and ducking off the main road.

Kaneki shudders, taking the offered bento from the boy next to him. Relaxed, the two boys ate in silence. A cool breeze passes through, and, on a whim. Ten year old Kaneki tilted his head back to observe the sky. Above him, spreading out towards the horizon was a vast expanse of pale blue. Noticing his gaze, Hide tips his head back too.

"Pretty, huh?" the golden-haired boy muses with a serious expression etched onto his face. A comfortable silence stretched between the two. Then, he speaks again.

"Hey Kaneki…what if I told you I wanted to conquer the world?"

At first, Kaneki is quiet, as if lost in thought. Then, he breaks out into a mile and laughs softly, although not in a demeaning way.

"Hide-kun," he says, turning his head to face the other. Their eyes meet and they hold for a brief second. "Honestly, I don't think that would be possible."

"Humph!" In mock anger, Hide turns away, sticking his little ten year old nose into the air.

What he doesn't hear is Kaneki's unspoken thoughts.

_I think, if you did happen to conquer the world, you'd make a great emperor._

_-/-_

Just as the years slowly trickle by and the seasons turn through endless cycles of freeze and thaw, so too do humans age. With each new year comes another year's worth of memories, of experiences, of knowledge - the foundation for another year.

On his fifteenth birthday, a snowy December morning, Kaneki decides that he'd pass the day curled up in his blankets, reading a book and drinking tea. However, his best friend is having none of that.

At eleven am, just as Kaneki finishes preparing tea and is about to head to his bedroom, the doorbell rings.

The boy freezes, wondering who would be at his door in this weather- it is snowing lightly, and some roads have already been iced over.

The doorbell rings again, four or five times in quick succession, as if the person on the other side was impatient or in a hurry, or just really excited. With a sigh and a roll of his eyes, Kaneki sets down his canteen of tea and opens to door to a chilly blast of winter wind. Standing in his doorway, cheeks pink from cold, is Hide. Just as Kaneki is about to ask, Hide cuts in.

"Kaneki! I bet you're going to spend your birthday holed up in your room AGAIN. How dreary!" Saying so, he lets himself in to the warm house, shutting the door behind him.

Turning to the boy who currently wears a half-amused, half-exasperated expression, he continued, "So, I will make it my mission to make sure you have the awesomest birthday ever today!"

"Hide, 'awesomest' isn't even a word."

Ignoring Kaneki's comment, Hide leans forward and plucks the rather large book out of Kaneki's hands. "Get dressed and let's get out of this stuffy room," he says, grinning.

Now fifteen, Kaneki has been putting up with Hide's antics for almost ten years now; he's grown used to the exuberant outbursts, and simply pushes the boy away with a roll of his eyes.

"Hide, I appreciate it, but - "

"No, no, and no!" Hide crows, placing a finger on his lips in a gesture of silence.

"You have absolutely no say in this," he proclaims, hands on his hips. "Now, get dressed! It's cold outside-perfect for some fresh air."

Even as Kaneki feebly protests, he is pushed into his closet with orders to look for a winter coat and a warm scarf.

"No arguments!" Hide yells as he shoves a warmly dressed Kaneki out the door.

As Kaneki steps out into a white world, his breath catches. Hide, who had darted forward to lead the way down the stairs, glances back and grins his trademark smile.

All around him, think flakes of snow tumble through the air, white ice settling on the boy's broad shoulders and melting in his golden hair.

"What're you waiting for?" he calls out. Only then does Kaneki realize he is still standing by the doorway, while Hide is already halfway down the stairs, waving.

As he makes his way down the rusty staircase, metal clanging with every step, Kaneki thinks fondly, _what would I do without you?_

_-/-_

_Who cares about that anymore…let's just go home._

Nineteen year old Kaneki Ken, hair the color of ice and face covered in a hooked mask, is slumped forward, skin stained with sewer water and soul as weary as a wandering samurai's.

Right next to him is Hide, close enough that Kaneki can feel the warmth of the other's body and the comforting touch of his hand.

Hide, his support, his foundation, his sanity. Hide, who has always been there for him, is here now, in his darkest moments.

_There is only one way out of the abyss_.

Unconsciously, Kaneki leans into the warm (human, he thinks) body, as if craving a friendly touch.

_Sorry_, Hide whispers, and Kaneki's heart breaks at his best friend's pained filled voice. _But, can you fight with all you've got…just one more time?_

Already, Kaneki can feel his support, his sanity, his brother - not blood, but the bond is stronger than a bond of blood -, slipping away.

His king.

The odd thought flits across his mind for a brief moment before the world falls to darkness.

FIN

a/n: as always, your thoughts and comments are appreciated!

Next: **Death; [_the five stages of death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance]_**


	6. death

/ From the Kuber-Ross model, the five stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. /

DENIAL

With a scream, he throws himself onto the ground, knife clattering to the floor, salty tears streaming down his face. A throbbing pain jerks behind his left eye, shooting white hot streaks of lightning through his skull. As he slowly raises his head, shoulders trembling and sobs traveling down his chest, he catches a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror that towers before him. Through a wet, splotchy, vision, Kaneki Ken sees a face that wasn't, couldn't be, his, staring with dual colored eyes, right back at him.

Gingerly, his right hand creeps up, past the river of tears, gently touching the corner of his left eye. For what seems like eternity, the room is deathly quiet as his eyes-one a normal, soft color, the other a hard, sharp crimson black- widen in shock.

There's no way, he thinks internally, body trembling, there's absolutely no way I'm a ghoul.

Desperate, he claws at his skin, hands scrambling across the countertop for his favorite burgers. Tearing off the wrapper with crazed jerks, he shoves the food into his mouth, straining for the taste of something familiar.

In less than ten seconds, he shoots upward, tripping over himself as he runs to the bathroom, bare feet slapping painfully against the slick wooden boards of his floor. Hovering over the toilet, he venomously denies himself, denies the ghoulish eyes that won't leave him alone, denies the obvious truth.

I'm not a ghoul, he screams into the night.

Oh, but you are, a voice echoes back, but you are.

\- 00 -

ANGER

Hanging high in the dark, starry sky is a bright full moon, hidden behind thick clouds and heavy winds. A half-human, half-ghoul is hidden in the shadows of his house. Inside him, a deadly feeling is churning in his stomach, red-hot and burning. Swirling upwards, filling his lungs, seeping up through his arms, charring his throat- spreading to every inch of his body is this odd, odd feeling. His eyes, one a calm black, the other a deep red, are bloodshot and strained. His thin frame trembles, almost like a volcano about to explode.

I'm not a ghoul, he screams, choking back sobs. I am not a ghoul.

But, no matter what he does, no matter what he says, he cannot wipe out the truth.

The lower part of his back throbs, as if something is pushing up, underneath the thin layer of skin. It scratches, leaving invisible scars down his back, fueled on my anger and fury, feeding greedily on flesh and blood.

As Kaneki stands in front of his broken mirror, breath coming in short gasps, sweat soaking through his shirt, he stares in disbelief at the thing that meets his eyes. His fists are clenched, nails digging into his palm-but they don't break through the skin.

(You're a ghoul), the voice snickers, taunting.

His red eye throbs, crimson veins snaking through a black fog. Littered around his feet are various bits of trash - shredded chip bags, torn candy wrappers, crumpled hamburger foils. All of the contents had found a place in the trash.

His fists, sweaty and clenched, slam onto the remains of the broken mirror hanging dangerously on the wall. Gritting his teeth, he chokes back a whimper.

"I'm not a ghoul."

\- 00 -

BARGAINING

The atmosphere is stifling. Kaneki, fingers nervously gripping the edge of his stool, cowers under the steady gaze of the old man. On the old man's face, the wrinkles crease and shift as he processes the boy's story, told in trembling words and held-back tears. He takes in the scared light of Kaneki's eyes, the nervous jitter of his leg, the white eye patch slung haphazardly across the right side of his face, and Yoshimura feels a pang of sorrow for this half-human, half-ghoul creature.

I can help you, he promises, offering up quaint little sugar cubes and a job, a safe haven, at Anteiku. Sometimes, he wonders if he'd made the right decision.

Even as the boy thanks him timidly and thanks him again, Yoshimura can see the tired relief flooding Kaneki's face. The boy's single eye brightens, his shoulders sag, and his face beams. Somehow, the old man seems to know what Kaneki is thinking-he reads the tell-tale signs painted across the boy's expressions, hears the broken promises the boy whispers to himself.

With this, Kaneki thinks, hope rising like bile in his throat, With this, I'll be ok.

With this, he says, a hopeful smile tugging at his lips, I can be normal again.

With that, Kaneki Ken ambles off, plastic bag filled with questionable sugar cubes swinging jauntily from his hand.

On his way home, he stops by a nearby convenience store and buys a month's worth of coffee, ecstatic butterflies flapping wildly in his stomach.

"I am going to be ok," the boy repeats, chanting the phrase quietly, for perhaps if he repeats his mantra enough times, then all of his pain would slip away, roll down his skin like water rolls over oil. Perhaps if enough sugar dissolved on his tongue, if enough coffee filled his stomach, then the ghoul trembling inside him would be driven away.

Kaneki grips the plastic, feeling the smooth material crinkle in his hand. His tongue flicks out, wetting his lips. Unconsciously, his left hand trembles and rises gently to touch upon his chin.

"I will be fine," Kaneki Ken declares into the night, absolute confidence brimming in this voice. "I will be fine."

\- 00 -

DEPRESSION

Sometimes, Kaneki wakes up from blood soaked dreams to sweat stained sheets. Pounding heavily under his ribcage is his heart, thudding to an irregular beat. A soft whimper gurgles in his throat, and with a shudder, he wraps the blankets around, tighter. Without notice, a tear slips past his eyes and run downs his cheeks.

Soon, he is crying uncontrollably, small frame racking with silent sobs. Still, he can see blood - human blood, human flesh - spilling over his hands, hear the dying screams of nameless, faceless, people ringing shrilly in his ears.

"Make it stop," he whispers into the dead of night. He has no more tears left- his eyes are red and swollen, his head pounding with the last traces of the nightmare. Swallowing another whimper, Kaneki slowly slips out of bed, walking with light footsteps towards the bathroom. A few doors down sleeps Tsukiyama, who has no doubt already awakened at Kaneki's cries. With a shaking breath, Kaneki slips into the bathroom and locks the door behind him. Reaching out, Kaneki turns on the shower and quickly strips before stepping under the spray of water.

Maybe, he thinks with a dark sort of humor, Maybe if I stand here long enough the water will chase away the ghoul that sleeps inside me.

Inside the confines of the wasteland that is his mind, the ghoul snickers and presses itself against the bars. (You're a ghoul), he taunts, (A ghoul, a human, or maybe something in between. You're both of them, yet nothing at the same time.)

Shut up, Kaneki thinks, feeling the warm water cascade down his body.

( a ghoul, a ghoul, a ghoul, aghoul, ghoulghoulghoulghoulghoul-)

Desperate, he slams his fists against the tiled wall, a dull thud that dies instantly. Wet black hair sticks to his forehead and shadows his eyes. His tears are lost in the current of water that rains down on him.

They are lost, just like him.

\- 00 -

ACCEPTANCE

I am a ghoul.

Red spider lilies curl around the edges of his vision, painting the world a deep cerise. At his feet lay a monster, blood shot eyes rolled to the whites, a mixture of saliva and blood trickling out of a gaping mouth. A shattered kagune lays scattered around Yamori's broken body.

Kaneki Ken stands, eyes cold and hard, hair as white as freshly fallen snow. He cocks his head to the side, raising a bail, black-nailed hand.

Below him, Yamori whines, trying furtively to gather his strength. His shattered kagune twitches, but falls still again as Kaneki lashes out and kicks him in the ribs, who howls in pain and shouts out curses, spitting out promises of revenge and death.

With an unflinching glare and a stony expression, Kaneki stands over Yamori, kagune dripping with ghoul's blood. A contemptuous smirk curls up his lips, and Kaneki pushes back his bone white hair and lets his clawed kagune slowly slither back into his body.

Still tingling from the odd taste of ghoul's flesh, he wipes the blood from his lips and some of the metallic blood drips onto his tongue. It's a disgusting, rotten tang, and suddenly, he has an intense craving for human blood-the urge starts in the pit of his stomach, slithering up to wrap around his hear, shooting up to constrict his throat.

Carelessly stepping over Yamori's twitching body, Kaneki breathes in deeply, inhaling the scent of death, blood, and ghouls. Wearing his mantle of shredded clothes and bloodied hands, his bare feels ghost over the cold floor, and Kaneki steps out of the torture room, bearing scars on his soul and wounds on his heart.

Power tingles at his fingertips. The kagune twitches below the surface of his skin. His arms and legs are stiff, strong, made to run and fight and hunt. It is power, glowing from his body, and to Kaneki's horror, he revels in it.

I am a ghoul, he thinks in a calm, soft tone that sounds so foreign.

I am a ghoul.

And Kaneki opens the door to his new world.

FIN

* * *

a/n: as always, your thoughts are appreciated!

notes: the next chapter has not been completed yet

**Next: Hanged Man. **

_**Kirishima Ayato liked to think he stood on top of the world. **_


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